// Dying Goat//

I’m bleeding to death and I probably will black out before I finish this. I just want you to know I love you, ever since the moment I met you. You were wearing short shorts and a t-shirt by an awful band that you supported because they were locals. You only glanced at me, not long enough to call it a stare. Without having to turn back after passing you to see if you looked back; I felt your beautiful brown eyes piercing in my back, almost burning a perfect circle through my intestines. The blood puddles are nearly drowning me now. We flirted through social networks and kept our distant in person. We were in high school, so that was an acceptable way to interact. The lack of face-to-face communication brought us closer, so close that it felt as if those brown eyes were behind me everywhere I went. Finally having gained the exact amount of courage to approach you and speak to you, I still nearly pissed myself as the right words circled in my brain and the wrong words tumbled off my tongue as I desperately tried to stop them from spilling through my lips. Your beauty made me nervous. Your smile made me melt. Your scent made me remember. Your hair made me smile. Your personality sealed the deal. I still remember our first kiss like it was yesterday. Do you? We were sitting on my bunk bed watching “I Love You, Man” and you told me to man up and kiss you already. Even after hearing those words (which only made it a tad bit easier to kiss you) I nearly pissed myself while kissing your soft lips. After that, I wanted to kiss you every second of every day. I never wanted our lips to be unattached; I needed that connection from you, like a baby needs his mother to nourish him. Blood is gushing out of my mouth now; I need to get to the point. Our connection began to break (and you know why). We both changed, we both endured situations we shouldn’t of had to. We both grew apart. And we both never wanted this to happen. I know this because even though you say little to nothing when I ask you how you feel, before asking you, I know exactly how you are feeling. I guess it’s a gift. I hurt, I hurt so much that I’ve come close to giving up on everyone and everything that has to do with life. It was too difficult to let go of you and be okay with you moving on, it was too difficult to just say goodbye. I needed you in my life, till death due us part. Till death due us part. Sometimes the only thing that would stop me is when my phone rang and your photo showed up on the screen or family. But I’ve come to realize it was never worth contemplating. This doesn’t change the fact that I wanted you for years to just be mine again. But it did make me out to be the person I am today. My eyes are beginning to close. I hope you’ll understand and find it somewhere in your heart to love me again. But I doubt it, so this is goodbye. 

// Simply Shattered //

Sometimes it’s just a lot easier to keep things bottled up inside than to let them out. But there’s consequences for both, so it is basically a lose, lose type of situation.

People always say follow your heart, but I realized that keeps getting me hurt in the same place I started. Maybe I need to forget about my heart and just use my head and figure out the best path for me to follow. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I just want someone of hierarchy to show me the way. But I guess that’s asking too much and would make life easier than it should be. 

I just wish there was a button to press to release all my problems instead of them constantly circling in my head.

I’m not sure if I really want that because I feel that people learn to overcome their problems. But it’s so much harder for me it feels like. But I’ll never forget that there’s someone else that’s a lot less fortunate than me. But that doesn’t make my problems shatter.

// Changes <//

It’s like all these things happened, all on the same day. And everyone else deals with it so well. But not me. 

// Why so serious?//

I’m not using Tumblr to reblog thousands of pictures depicting love, happiness, etc. I’m using Tumblr to blog about something a lot more serious. Something that means a lot more to me than pictures. It’s up to you if you want to follow me and basically read the ups and downs of my life. 

// Hey Dad, Pt. I//

Hey Dad,

I’m nineteen years old now. I haven’t seen you in seventeen years. Which means I was apart of your life for the first two years of my life and at that time I didn’t even know you were my dad. The sad part is, when I got old enough to have an interest in past pictures, I didn’t even know who you were. I asked my mom and she told me you were my dad, ever since then I wondered where you were, if you thought about me, if you knew I was your daughter, if you cared about me, if I should care about you, if you wondered if I was okay, if you loved me.

No, this is the worse part: I’ve had nineteen birthdays and not once did you think to pick up the phone and dial the number to wish me a happy birthday. Did you know I use to sit by the phone everyday when I got home from elementary school wondering if you were going to call, if you had the courage and decency to pick up the phone and talk to your daughter. Maybe you were afraid, but I highly doubt that. I think you’re a coward, but at that age I didn’t know what a coward even was, so you were a poopyhead, but now, I figure you are a heartless human being.

No, this is the worse part: You left my mother on her own to take care of me and provide the normal necessities to live off of by herself when you could have been there to help. Why weren’t you there for her if you didn’t want to be there for me? You obviously had to have some feelings for her at some point. But you know what kept me from asking numerous questions on why you left, where you were, etc. was that my mother use to always tell me “I’m your mommy and your daddy” Those words meant more to me than you ever will. It’s something about her that comforts me enough to where your non-existence didn’t faze me.

No, this is the worse part: You have other kids too? I have brothers and sisters that I haven’t met? Do you support them? Even if you don’t, I believe you do, which leads me into thinking that you have something against me personally that you don’t want anything to do with me and you don’t need me in your life to fulfill it.

I’m many miles away from you and you never want to call me. I don’t get you, but I guess that’s okay because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to meet you so it’s just one of those things I have to get use to and learn to let go.

But to be honest, I can’t just let it go, you’re always in my head wondering how my life would have been if you were there. Why couldn’t you just be there? I don’t even know your birthday, your favorite food, your shoe size, your favorite drink, your favorite dessert, what kind of cell phone you have, and what type of car you drive. I think it’s pretty sad that I don’t even know what you look like. Probably something like me. 

I don’t think you understand fully – I’M MISERABLE. I find myself wasting useful tears on you and the whole thought behind not having my biological father in my life really upsets me. It’s not something I have control over. I don’t get to pick who my parents will be.

I just want to know where you are so I can send you pictures of how I’ve grown, but I doubt you’d even look at them. It all starts with responsibility, something you lack.

I truly wish things were different, but I doubt we can agree on this.

One more question: Do you want to even meet me?

I don’t love you always,

Makayla Davis